Letting go..
Hey guys it's been a long time and i'm finally back..I can't say stronger then ever but i'm back.. Damn I'm struggling something awful right now.It's hard when someone knows you so well. Real hard. Can look at you & tell you that you're fronting or that you're putting up a facade cuz you're ego just can't let things go in any direction that will insinuate that you've lost control. It's all about control and assertiveness now. Composure. There will probably constantly be a tinge of pain in my heart. Something that tugs at me and wishes that the hands of time could be turned back to something, anything could be different. Maybe the day we met. Maybe the first day I allowed myself to be disrespected and made to feel low. Maybe the second, third, fourth, or fifth time I allowed myself to feel that way. Maybe the day I didn't check him when he verbally lost control. Maybe several days I didn't check him when that happened. Maybe that summer. Maybe the day I read what would be the proverbial steak in my heart. Maybe the day I didn't admit that I was suffering with that pain. Maybe nothing. Alas all things happen for a reason and are at minimum meant to be a learning experience. My instinct makes it so difficult for me to not help him in anyway. Even if it's hindering myself. That's the way things have been. The way that the can no longer be. Funny how for years you desire for a person to recognize not only your worth but their own. Funnier how when that does finally happen, you're mind has shut off the valve that was allowing your heart to have that "regardless" love. Unconditional some call it. Only in those circumstances their is a condition. The sole condition is that you lose your self-respect and forger your self-worth because you've focused all your energy and efforts toward pleasing someone else.I can't continue to have my son see my broken and crying because I've given a man that power over me. I have to do better and be better for my son. Have to.Love you when you have nothing to give. Through thick and thin. Broke and flawed I loved you regardless. I know I'm "fine" so that isn't it. I'm loving, giving, and sweet so that aint it. Serve as both mother and father to our child which should at least command a tad bit of respect. Maybe you sense my weakness though. The fact that I'm weak for you is in no way admirable. I'm guessing I'd have been better off hating instead of loving you. I'm wrapping this entry up for now. Currenty i'm listening to Nick Cannon's CAN I LIVE As I hear it I'm almost in tears. I credit this song for giving me the strength to keep my child. Thank you Jesus. It was so hard, and clearly you knew that this music in particular would inspire me to do what was right at the time. "I'll always be a part of you, if I could talk I'd say to you: Can I Live?". And then the fact that I fought so hard and cried so much to ensure that my child would be given life. I can still hear that first heartbeat and see him waving on that ultrasound when he was three months in the womb. He's brought me so far. That was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I didn't know how or what, but I knew that Javion would be. He was meant to be here on earth. I wanna cry right now. I guess I'm not as weak as I typically think I am. I knew a lot of people would be disappointed and would probably hate me for the decision I made, and in spite of all of that I continued with my pregnancy.. The next child that enters this womb will see this side of the earth. I just hope that I have a ring on my fourth finger, left hand before that happens. And my last name has been changed. Okay this was so random.
I loved you when you had nothing to give through thick and thin. Broke and flawed. I Serve as both mom & dad 2 our child which should at least command a tad bit of respect. Maybe u sense my weakness The fact that I'm weak for u im guessin i'd b betta off hating you instead of loving you..
